Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Trump wins I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.

   RIP Mainstream Media.

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.

   If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7

   Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   I love snow – People who never shovel

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.

   Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.

   When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.

   Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   for all those who answer "how's it goin?" with .."can't complain"...please review your FB status's

   My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.

   If we learn by our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education.

   If your laugh in real life sounds like "Bwahahaha", guaranteed I won't be funny around you.