Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS: The Last person just finished voting in Florida....

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....

   If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

   My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, "Could you watch the kids for a minute?" and runs.

   Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.

   There’s a thin line between “I should do a joke about that” and “I should talk to my therapist about that”

   I am a single mom raising 5 electronic gadgets and a couch all by myself.

   Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the damn lock.

   Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, “Who’s Gotye?” while their kids were like, “What’s a record?

   I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine’s Day. I hope she finds someone nice.

   I'm amazed at how far women will go to try to make me jealous. My ex is married now with 3 kids -- I see right through that.

   Women are the original autocorrect.

   HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.

   When my dog has HIS friends over,,, I'm going to fart and quietly leave the room,,, Just so he knows how it feels

   If my cat could talk I have a feeling it would tell me "stop talking to me crazy woman and go get laid"

   All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.

   White Castle is down to their last pound of ground beef. That ought to be good for another million burgers.

   I hate it when someone gives me a really fake smile. Especially when I've gone to the trouble of making my fake smile seem so genuine.

   I think it is so impolite for people to sneak up on you while you are talking about them behind their back!!!