Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   People only bring up your past when they are intimidated by your present!

   The level of patience I have with stupid people is actually pretty remarkable...

   I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.

   I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like…propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA!

   I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.

   Some people are like water balloons, they're more fun when you throw them out the window.

   It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! People are definitely getting in the holiday spirit, CRABBY, GRABBY and RUDE!

   I give my dogs human names so when people ask who I drank with last night I don't sound like so much of an alcoholic.

   Wondering what it's like to have a kid? Take a goat to the store. That's like having a 5 yr old. Now get the goat drunk. That's a 2 yr old.

   It's not that I need to manage my anger, it's that other people need to manage their stupidity.

   All these years in therapy have finally paid off people... My therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   Having dinner with my phone and some people.

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from Mcdonalds for making this post possible!!!

   I have a secret, I see offline people....

   People who work at McDonalds act like the sauces come out of their wages, just throw 5 in the bag and behave.

   If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.

   going to wear underwear on the outside of his clothes tomorrow to see if people assume he's crazy, or a superhero.

   Jim Morrison was right: People ARE strange.

   Moral of the story is only cheat with people who have the same relationship status as you. That's how you avoid drama because both of you gotta go home.

   My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine's Day! So I got drunk...