Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

   My OCD can run circles around your anxiety disorder.... Perfect, organized circles.

   The amount of stuff coming out of this woman's handbag as she searched for her keys, I wouldn't be surprised if that missing Malaysian plane is in there too.

   After 39 years, I’ve perfected acting interested in reading a birthday card after the money falls out.

   Facebook has been around 11 years. Which means there has never been a post about the Raiders making the playoffs.

   Justin Bieber wants to take Paul Walkers place in the new Fast and Furious film. Why doesn't he take his place in the car accident instead?

   If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.

   I just deleted my bookmark to this horrible sh*thole. I am sure there are funnier places somewhere else on the net.

   I've never seen anyone walking around wearing a Build Back Better hat.

   Alls I'm sayin is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans. . .

   I kinda just had kids to have somebody to watch cartoons with.

   There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar

   Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.

   In other news....Hannah Montana changes her name to Hannah Idaho.

   I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said “Best Drunk Before August, 2012". I've just e-mailed them thanking them for that prestigious award which, of course I graciously accept....

   Breaking News: It's now Rapture Day in Japan and nothing has happened so far. In related news: True believers starting to come up with excuses.

   Cheer up, Harold Camping. A volcano erupted in Iceland. That's something.

   I have an appointment with a specialist to look into my memory problems... and apparently, it was yesterday.

   The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us.