Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   The only contribution some people make to society is carbon dioxide.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.

   10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory. Why didn't I think of that?

   Do people just get up and think about what they can be offended by today?

   What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?

   It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.

   I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.

   I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   If the world was flat like some people say my girlfriend's cat would have pushed me off the edge years ago.

   With the way humanity follows directions, I look for a lot of people to need a seeing eye dog soon

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.