Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I used to flip a "lucky" around in my cigarette pack. Until I realized it's the only cigarette I get drunk and light backwards.

   What's so bad about the Zika virus anyway? Some people like a little head.

   After it was announced that 29 people were Injured in the NY Bombing, Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson was Thankful that ‘Nobody Got Hurt’

   I think Haley Joel Osment should guest star on The Walking Dead one episode..... "I see dead people"

   And then He said, "Don't be feedin any more homeless people until you have LED screens with this week's sermon in front of all my churches"

   People who are cheap and think hiring a professional is expensive should talk to people who chose to hire an amateur.

   Why do people write on dead peoples Facebook walls? I don't get it.

   Some people have a super power of fcuking up your hopes and dreams while smiling at you.

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   You hear people say don't feed squirrels or birds b/c it will affect the animals' instincts/skills and negatively affect the entire ecosystem. Maybe people nowadays's should apply that philosophy to child rearing.....

   Latest survey's shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population

   I like to meet the parents drunk so they don't get the wrong idea of what kind of guy I am.

   Is it a zit or is it a 3rd nipple growing on my face. This is one of those wait & see moments people.

   Back in the day people kept promises. I know this cause plenty of people crossed their hearts and hoped to die and none of them had a needle stuck in their eye!

   You've really got to hand it to short people because they often can't reach it.

   You need to borrow what? Some money? Nah, you broke people need to borrow a job.

   There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

   People say they're not having the vaccine because they don't know what's in it, yet they'll walk into McDonald's and order a McRib sandwich.

   "White Girl Wasted" is just another way of saying Drunk enough to cry about a broken cigarette

   I don't use Facebook. Trying to convince people that my life is better than theirs by announcing every insignificant event looks exhausting.