Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   can't help but wonder just how different the world would be if people's pants actually caught on fire when they lied. 0 up, 0 down

   Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep

   First day on the job and Trump is already focusing on the real issues, like argue with the media about how many people attended his inauguration.

   WHY do people point at their wrist while asking the time? I don't point at my crotch while asking where the toilet is!

   I feel bad for people that don't drink, because when they get up in the morning that is as good as you are going to feel all day!!

   So many people speak for God like there are his personal couriers sent to deliver his message promising all sorts of goodies he has in store us.

   People accept that God exists & created the universe without evidence or proof but if you tell them Facebook is down they immediately check.

   I hate people that say "Only God can judge me"... No, I'm pretty sure I can judge you too. Climb down off your high horse where you belong Pocahontas!!

   How come when old people get free health care it is called something nice like medicare, but when everybody gets it they call it communism?

   Arkansas just passed a law allowing people to caring guns in church. If you need a gun in church, I don't even want to hear what you believe in for a God.

   I like how Movies will warn you "May not be suitable for all audiences". But what they really need is a "May not be suitable to watch with people who constantly ask questions about movies" rating.

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you were arguing with yourself over the phone and got upset when you hung up."

   There are no "good people"....Only good bullsh*tters.

   During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.

   Sometimes I wish I was a bird, so that when times got tough I could just fly over certain people and sh*t on their heads!

   Cotton is getting expensive huh... If only there was a way to get people to pick cotton for free...hm

   Married people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince spouse you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re happy

   Religion is a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.

   BREAKING NEWS: President Obama just announced the NEW' American Jobs Act which Is being redefined for unemployment Americans, they will now be classifies as "people with earning disabilities."

   What if the end of the world just means the end of Facebook. It's the world to so many people...