Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   ""When people cut you down. Or talk behind your back. remember they took time out of their pathetic lives, To think about you.""

   My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   You know you need sleep when you feel drunk without having actually had any alcohol.

   People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.

   Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know ;

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   If you were on fire and I had a beer in my hand, I would be warm, toasty, and drunk.....

   .My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

   People who have high and unnecessary attitudes deserve the standing ovation of my tallest finger !!!!!!!

   Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...

   Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.

   Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''

   What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.

   It's a shame that people who start a sentence with, "I know it's none of my business," never leave it at that.

   Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.

   I'm at my white trashiest when I'm on the front porch with a group of people trying to figure out why the cops are 2 houses down.