Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope the irony of people stealing each other's "Melania Trump plagiarism" jokes on Facebook is not overlooked.

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumble into the tv remote.

   Hillary's power suit was white ... but you can't call it a white power suit.

   A buddy of mine is making a documentary about white trash, not sure if it's any good, I've only seen the trailer

   The difference between drinking on St. Patrick's Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is that nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   These days when I say I’m “hittin it,” I’m talking about my pillow.

   A new poll actually found that 47 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate !

   Met a hot chick online last night. Name's Casey. Lives in Florida and loves kids! Super excited! I think she could be the one.

   Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.

   "Oh my, they're not even wearing their seat belts; this is thrilling!" -Mitt Romney watches a Bang Bus video

   :What's black and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre...

   In memory of Whitney Houston, all flags should be lowered a crack..

   The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now.

   If you tell a lie and myth so many times, people will eventually believe it so much that they will actually fight to preserve it. Government and Religious institutions are incredibly crafty at this.

   we had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

   when you get pulled over for a D.U.I quickly pull off the lable off of the beer and stick it on ur forehead and tell the officer you havn't been drinking ur on the patch!"

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?

   A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?

   oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt....

   Mike Vick kills two dogs, goes to prison for 18 months. Ben Roethlisberger rapes two women, goes to the Super Bowl.. only in America..