Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NASCAR killed Dale Sr and Dale Jr just killed NASCAR.

   Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.

   If MSNBC wants to know where all the detained girls are, then should start by looking in Judge Moore's basement!

   Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   Women spend their whole lives thinking they are fat when they are perfect. Men spend their lives thinking they are perfect even when they are Fat !

   Dr. Fauci said we must limit stores to 10 looters at a time.

   I almost got raped in jail once. My family takes Monopoly way too seriously.

   Thanks for bringing back a lot of classic diseases, anti-vaxxers!

   what number do I text my ten votes to??

   I'd only consider running at night because frankly I'd rather be found dead in a ditch than have anybody see me running.

   Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie

   I am as messed up as the alphabetical order on a keyboard.

   Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.

   It's not my fault….you had dimples.

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.

   There aren't choking warning labels on condoms but they have them on water balloons?

   My workout video is just a 15 minute clip of me dodging my boss around the office.