Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I called a company and heard "Baby got back" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Health insurance from a company that plays Sir Mix-a-lot?

   Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

   Do they call him Prime Minister because you can't divide him up into multiple smaller ministers?

   I have more people on my block list than some of you have on your friends list. . .

   I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

   "If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS

   I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..

   The worst part about someone asking how you've been is when you realize, "Oh, great. Now I have to ask about you."

   The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

   You make me want to be a better class of psycho.

   Hey Peyton eat a Snickers! Why? Because you play like Tony Romo when you are hungry.

   When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.

   Anyone know how many calories you burn an hour scrolling on Facebook?

   Now that Bruce Jenner is a woman does that make him a horrible driver ?

   I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?

   I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.

   I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

   Patrick on Facebook is complaining about how he hates the word "moist." He thinks it's "so gross." I'm willing to bet that Patrick also doesn't like pu$$y and is still a virgin.

   I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.

   Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary