Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let the Red Sox annoyance begin.....ugh!

   Chicago has proved exactly how tolerant the left is towards things like free speech, open debate, and open elections.

   A guy goes into the doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "Can I help you?" The duck says "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"

   If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!

   Having slanted eyes suck! Cant see sh!t when I smile!

   This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

   Dear god I love you and always will..but can you explain one thing to me :::: Mosquitos ...WHY..???

   ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ scratch and you can win free cats for life

   If I'm going to go to the trouble of wishing your sorry, unknown, only 87 friends a$$ a happy birthday, the least you could do is acknowledge it with a "like".

   if you want to post akward moment jokes and not have it redirect spell "akward wrong"

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   I hate people that eat like there's no tomorrow and don't get fat.

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements ツ

   Trusting Bill Gates with your health is like trusting Jeffrey Epstein with your daughter.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club. I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

   Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No.

   I got my drug dealer $200 for Christmas and he got me a big bag of weed.

   ♫♪ It's a quarter after one; I'm a little drunk and I need you now....♪♫ Sounds just a tad better than it's 1:15, I'm Trashed & Horny let's get busy...

   thought "John & Kate Plus 8" sounded like a porno-- Now, definitely, "Kate Plus 8" really sounds like one.