Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.

   Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except for the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.

   i guess Trump is now the apprentice.

   FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.

   $60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.

   I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack. It got really warm though so I put it back in the fridge..

   A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instatly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!!

   My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.

   If I were an actual snowflake, ie the feathery ice crystal with a sixfold symmetry, I'd be highly insulted.

   Life is a terminal disease, that is sexually transmitted.

   I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.

   Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine's day. Just an FYI.

   Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere.

   30 years ago today, "Licensed to Ill" was the #1 Album...

   What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.

   Don't eat the green snow!!!

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.