Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.

   I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?

   Hugh Hefner dead at 91.... =( Good thing he had so many reasons to keep it up for so long

   When I leave home on time for something I have that sure feeling that I forgot something

   Conflicting emotions: Watching your mother in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.

   I walked into the library yesterday and asked if they had the reference work.."Calcification Of The Spine"...The librarian said..."I've got a hardback"...I said..."Yeah...that's the one...thank you!!"

   Sushi's just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

   Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

   Cinnamon is just sawdust with good PR.

   Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..

   When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.

   *Eats a Lean Cuisine *20 minutes go by. *Devours entire Pizza Hut store...including employees.

   Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

   When I first started growing a beard I didn't really like it but after some time it started to grow on me.

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

   if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because I don’t know what i’m doing