Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

   Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!

   Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.

   Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.

   Some youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road... Where do they get off?

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.

   I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

   I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

   Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love

   When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.

   The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”