Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to be an endangered species this year for Halloween.... An english speaking troubleshooting operator .

   The coin shortage didn't work. Go ahead and mail the mystery seeds.

   I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

   I work hard. I play hard. I do the groceries hard. I cook hard. I read hard. I laugh hard. I watch tv hard. – Viagra addict

   Welcome to your 40’s: everyone is twelve now.

   OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

   Q: How do you play the ISIS bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

   I love millennials. Their are so many parallel parking spaces they don't know how to park.

   If someone from the future's reading this: this is how we used to waste our time in the past.

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink...

   This polo shirt has two buttoning options: uptight golf pr!ck or disco chest hair.

   You're not the dumbest person I know but the potential is there.

   WTF are you complaining about?! Unless there is lying, cheating, abuse or stealing involved in your relationship then its not as bad as you're making it out to be!

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   To any girl who calls herself a Barbie: FYI, real men don't play with barbies.

   HAPPY NEW BEER!!!

   Thought about asking someone if they wanted to be my "It's complicated" status...

   It's a small world. Unless you gotta walk home.

   How much teenagers care about politics. Regular topic: lol wat? Presidential election: meh. Threaten the Internet: it's the most important thing ever.