Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the Russians could actually hack elections ... Do you really think Putin would have tollerated 8 years of Obama?

   A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"

   : Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   Don't Kanye me!!! or I'll Chris Brown yo a$$... and Tiger Woods your mother!

   silence is gloden, but duct tape is silver.

   I have witnessed some of the greatest friendships forged over a blunt and I have also witnessed some of the fakest friendships forged over a bible.

   Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

   Every time someone uses "your" instead of "you're" on Facebook, an angel punches a kitten in the face.

   Non-Alcoholic beer. It's like going down on your cousin. Tastes the same but just not right.

   a quick message to all who sent me good wishes for Christmas last year - they didn't work - so... this year can I have money, vouchers and alcohol please ;)

   Prematurely panicked with all the blizzard warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   wondering why if vegetarian food is so great, everything they make is "turkey flavored" this or "chicken flavored" that.

   I want to buy a Labrador for my niece but i'm a bit scared. I can't help but notice how many Labrador owners have gone blind.

   wishes I could measure how much of my life has passed me by while I played with my iPhone. . . Maybe there's an app for that.

   Victoria is Lying, She Doesn't Have a Secret !!!

   Single...but you're welcome to change that ;D

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat. The government hates competition!

   It's funny...they leave the vault doors wide open in banks but somehow have those .50 cent pens chained to the tables.

   Went for a jog today and heard clapping from behind, then realized it was the cheeks of my ass cheering me on!!!

   I don't care of your skin color, sexual orientation, or social status. If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you. End of Story.