Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out

   The best way to end a conversation is by raising both middle fingers.

   My ex told me "You don't take our relationship seriously anymore its over." "Finish your sentence, over." I giggled into my pretend walkie talkie.

   I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.

   I may be reading too much into this, but I'm pretty sure this girl I met is stalking me... I saw her google my name last night through my binoculars.. I nearly fell out of the tree!!

   laughs at people who put vague facebook statuses that are written to get comments. something like: “Yeah, alright!” – it's like they are writing “please ask me why I am happy”

   If Apple bought out ihop no one would ever know..

   When I handwrite an entire page it looks like I've had a stroke by paragraph two.

   The first thing I'm going to do when I get home tonight is go to the bedroom and take my wife's underwear off..She would kill me if she knew I had them on the whole day.

   Life is too short to care about being skinny. I LOVE FOOD. Plus, there's plenty of time to be skinny when I'm dead.:-)

   my fripples are nozen.

   Whenever chicks make that duck face in pictures... I like to imagine it's cause they just got donkey punched in the back of the head.

   If it wasn't for pricks like me, all you c*cksuckers would starve to death.

   Facebook needs to add "P*ssy Whipped" to it's relationship status.

   I'm dating a woman that's half my height... I'm nuts over her

   I watched Abc's show 'Happy Ending'....totally not what I expected. It was a regular show. WTF! haha!!!!(mood:cheated)

   You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hangin from your mirror

   Don't worry about what people say about you. I mean, my shower saw me naked. Imagine what its telling the toaster?

   at Walmart shopping the other day & heard a woman come over the loud speaker,"Attention Kmart Shoppers..." There was a long pause & then she said,"You're in the wrong store."

   people who migrate to another country should be expected to respect that culture as in no flag burning and wishing that OUR troops should be killed. They should be deported or arrested for treason