Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Why be the doctor when you can be the patient? Why cook the food when you can eat it? Why drive the car when you can sit shot-gun? all these are reasons why I enjoy watching other people work.

   I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?

   i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

   Why do people share "Lost Dog" posts on FB? Most dogs aren't even on FB.

   I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.

   Note to drunk people: Unusually high doorsteps are usually windows.

   I encourage more people to become hipsters. Eventually, it will make them mainstream and the self loathing can truly begin.

   Hey? Islamis radicals..if your God tells you to kill people..please start with your self. Thanks real Americans!!

   People eat at Mcdonalds because they either.(A) love it but don't know how bad it is for you (B) Love it but they don't care that it's bad for you (C).Don't really like it but eat it because they desperatly need to clean out thier colon.

   alot of people when they go to concerts they yell out "Wooo! or Yeah!" I like to yell out more specific things like "The way you play you're Music makes feel Good Inside!!"

   Awwe, he's sleeping like a baby......... *People who've never had a baby*

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my Mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with!

   "If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid.. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for?"

   When I fall asleep watching a movie, why do people even ask me, "Are you sleeping?" Goddamit Captain Obvious! Isn't the drool a clear indication?

   People who reach the Facebook maximum friends limit of 5000 and go on to open an additional Facebook account are a$$holes!!

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.

   damn woman...you are like the herpes of drunk texting...you never go away.

   on the positive side, somewhere in a third world country people now have these sweet Pittsburgh steelers Superbowl champions shirts and hats to wear!!

   wonders if people who use sign language are allowed to talk with their mouth full....

   You should say, People neither hate you for your weaknesses, nor for your your strengths; they hate you when you're needy and clingy.