Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are throwing a football, a baseball or kicking a soccer ball in a park, you need to be more than six feet apart. If you aren't, you're in big trouble because you really suck at your sport.

   Coworker: Good morning! Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

   That moment when you're tired and sleepy, and you drag yourself to bed but then your brain says, "Ha ha, just kidding!" I hate that.

   [on Shark Tank] me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

   "Did it hurt...when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?"--bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.

   My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any

   Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

   At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

   I just had ice cream WITHOUT sprinkles ... OMG diets sure are hard!!

   If governments are so worried about controlling addictive substances why aren't there laws about Nutella yet?

   American Airlines might lose your bags but they won't kick your ass.

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   DR. check his vital signs, NURSE: He's got 4G coverage and his battery is at 60%

   Traffic signals: Red = Stop and look at phone. Green = Listen for horn signals. Yellow = Go

   "You look stunning in that outfit, but you'll look even better once I take it off" ~ Me, unwrapping beef jerky.

   I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.

   North Korea has been threatening us for over 10 years. Nothing's going to happen as they know better. Just in case we should send them Dennis Rodman and let them keep him.

   My boss wants me to go to Time Management training today. Yeah, like I'm really going to be able to squeeze that into my already overloaded schedule.