Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

   Money talks, and unfortunately mine only can say "goodbye!"

   Monogamy and mahogany are both rare types of long-lasting wood.

   I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine!

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   I love Swamp people...."choot em, hurry choot em"

   So that is how the season finally of Jersey shore will end...A blow job from sandy!!!

   I wish somebody would come back from heaven and tell us how to pack.

   Yesterday, 'Gangnam Style' became the first YouTube music video to receive 1 BILLION views. Which makes yesterday the actual day the music died.

   do we really need a FB page titled "I Oppose Bullying"?? Does anyone support bullying??

   We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

   The cure for premature ejaculation is coming soon.

   So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.

   love The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed

   have you ever been so sure about something that you were unsure about how sure you were exactly. I'm sure I'm totally unsure about being positively sure to the point of not being positively sure about my integrity of sureness...

   I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."

   My three favorite shows about murderers are NCIS, CSI, and SportsCenter.

   FYI - Remember to set your clocks forward an hour this weekend because we can only afford 23 hours a day now due to the sequester......

   I wonder if there is a secret feud between rocket scientists and brain surgeons.

   Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)