Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

   I'm sorry I took your daughters virginity. It won't happen again.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math

   Relationships are like sharing a book. It doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

   I am nicknaming you "Big toe" cause sooner or later I am going to bang you on the coffee table.

   Have you ever held your money and ever thought "I hope this hasn't been up a stripper's butt"...

   Always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

   Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.

   I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!

   successfully licked one of his elbows!

   A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression. Its called trycoxagain

   getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death

   statusless.

   Why is a school zone speed limit 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

   Was going to complain about the people downstairs having loud s*x, but they finished before I could type this status, I think premature ejaculation is probably punishment enough

   If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.

   Dear neighbors, If you hear a lot of screaming and cussing please do not worry and/or call the police. I am cleaning out my garage and have Arachnophobia

   What did the slut's left leg say to the slut's right leg? "Nothing" They've never met.

   I saw a sign that said "Deaf Children Drive Carefully". I didn't know they drove at all.

   People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.