Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q: What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? A: Icy dead people.

   Went to buy a pack of smokes and this lady behind me says "you should really quit smoking".i said I know but I'm worried if I quit smoking I might start murdering. That shut her up pretty quick.lol

   I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note. "Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us."

   A large portion of my day consists of rushing frantically to places I don't really want to go to.

   When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

   I grew up in a neighborhood so poor, we all shared the same timepiece . . . or as we liked to call it, the 'neighborhood watch'!

   The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   When I was a kid I thought earwigs were bugs that came out of your ears. So you can imagine what I thought when I heard about co*kroaches

   This inkblot looks exactly like a hen-pecked husband who has no idea how to pay all of this month's bills

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

   I paused “Crazy Train” during the guitar solo to listen to you, so don’t tell me I’m not taking this relationship seriously!

   A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

   After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast

   Ted Cruz beats Jim Kimmel (11-9) in Blobfish basketball classic game

   Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

   Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.

   Anyone at the gym with no headphones on is training to avenge someone’s death

   When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.