Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

   Starbucks is now a PC corporate homeless shelter!

   In a society with more dumb people than smart, democracy becomes a serious problem.

   Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.

   "Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."

   I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

   When did no dignity and no respect towards other people considered acceptable to the public?

   I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it.

   Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!

   If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the children's ball pit at Macdonald's. Not funny, grow up.

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!

   I've been taught to think before I act so if I ever slap the $h!t out of you, I've thought about it and I'm confident about my decision.

   You can steal my status updates but you should know I lick every one of them before I post them.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   "You know I'm a dude right?" Are not the words you want whisped in your ear today!

   German Scientist: "I've created a super broccoli to fight heart disease!" American Scientist: "I've created a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo!"

   "Oh wow, someone sent me a fruitcake. I'm going to eat it right now!" said no one ever.