Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

   Dear People, Please stop all the period jokes. Sincerely, Everyone's Ovary Acting

   I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

   I shake my head at people's stupidity so often that no one will even notice if I get Parkinson's.

   Facebook: making people think we really know their birth date

   I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don't like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting the house and car

   finds it ironic how people 'like' pages that start with "I hate..."

   Your baby is not interesting or funny, unless it's drunk or being carried away by an eagle.

   If some people took parenting as seriously as they took training their dogs, there would be a few less screwed up individuals in this world.

   Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

   Liberal people all across the nation are partaking in the new Donald Trump Diet .... It consists of eating a lot of Crow.

   "Just because she weighed as much as 2 people, that doesn't mean you had a threesome."

   Actually it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the 14th or 15th.

   Sometimes its better to forget about making people happy and just do what YOU really want to do.

   If two blind people are dating, would they say they are "seeing each other" ?

   Sorry about those texts last night. My phone was drunk.

   You call them enemies, I call them people who wish they were me.

   Apparently "preparing myself for Cinco de Mayo" is not a good reason to be drunk at work today, who knew?

   People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.

   Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”