Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kaepernick keeps taking a knee based on a lie...Michael Brown never had his hands up!

   Why are all the good open-minded liberals moving to Canada? What's wrong with Mexico? If we look at the map, it appears Mexico is about the same distance from the U.S. as Canada. So what's up?

   Hillary and Trump are in a boat and it sinks. Who survives? I'd say Hillary. According to Bill, she never goes down.

   Donald Trump says he's only taking $1.00 a year as President. We could have had Hillary for $.77

   Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.

   Why don't keyboards have a ".com" key on them now? Come on nerds!

   I wonder if China was clever enough to make the Mongolians pay for their wall?

   I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back.

   I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

   For those of you who don't have a significant other to spend Valentine's Day with, kindly resist the temptation to brag about it.

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day #NotMyValentinesDay

   If psychics and palm readers knew anything they'd have hand washing stations.

   My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of coffee.

   I took an Ambien and now I hate everyone....

   Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.

   If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.

   If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.

   State Farm is hoping no one will notice when they replace Aaron Rodgers with a black guy.

   I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy.

   Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.