Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your story doesn't add up, so feel free to stop lying.

   There are times that I think that her lazy eye is just playing hard to get.

   Please hurry up with your story.. That I care absolutely nothing about... I'm afraid if I keep this fake smile on my face any longer, its guna get stuck this way.

   It's that time of year again when our thoughts should turn to those less well off in our towns and cities, so remember to lock your doors and windows...

   The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

   Global warming sucks but I'm kind of looking forward to riding a jet ski to work every day.

   would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

   It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! - Rocky Balboa

   If there's one thing the internet has taught me over the years.... It's that alot of money would be saved during the deconstruction of old buildings if we just fired some angry birds at them.

   I used to have faith in humanity...then I stepped into Wal-Mart.

   I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government.

   If you can tell I'm drunk, you need to catch up.

   My girlfriend told me to grow a pear... What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?

   50 Shades of Grey..Girls can't wait to read it and Guys can't wait for the movie!

   Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again

   When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old lady..." I want them to worry, "I hope she's not armed..."

   "I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said

   stuck at work – and by “stuck” I mean drinking and by “work” I mean sitting in the recliner!

   Some people say I dream too much, I say its just because my life is better than their dreams are.

   An old lady at the park said to me today, "I see your dog's fetching balls."I said, "I know he has but, at your age, you shouldn't really be looking."