Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not that we're anti-social, it's just that our phones got more interesting than human interaction.

   you know your day is bad when your coffee makes you tired

   If you make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 it will come true. Provided that your wish was to waste seconds of your life

   If I get a tattoo of a grape, in time when I age, will it gradually transform itself into a raisin?

   If men are stronger than women, why do men in Video Games need full plate armor and a woman only needs a chainmail bikini?

   Amazon would have delivered these ballots in 2 days.

   When the doc said my prostate was healthy this morning, I was deeply touched.

   was playing air drums to Rush in my car and lost a stick out the window. I had to change over to Def Leppard.

   I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   Wife ask where I'd like to be buried. Ball deep in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

   The first thing I notice on a girl are her eyes. Unless she's not looking, then it's her tiits...

   I got an email from Google Earth saying it can read maps backwards, but then I thought... That's just spam.

   I'll be glad when this election is over so I can stop making posts that put me on Hillary's hit-list.

   Hey BLM, dont worry. We havent forgetten about you clowns

   U - Haul is looking for drivers to bring back vehicles from Canada. . .

   I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.

   Let's make humility great again.

   Looks like 84 Lumber won't get hired to build the wall...

   Why is it we always have money for wars, but we can't feed the poor?

   If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods would someone else make a sound?