Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. Everyone would turn their had for that

   Trying to get in shape for all those people I'm not having sex with.

   You know 'yer a DRUNK when: You have to go to court to find out what happened !

   There are a few people I know whose birth certificates should be considered an apology letter to the world!

   It's interesting how people claim to love/like their jobs, but ready to go home as soon as they get in the door.

   I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.

   Why is driving so hard for some people? I mean, its like coloring! All you do is stay between the f*cking lines!

   i think I need glasses....everywhere I look people have two faces

   I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.

   PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.

   Home Depot should sell replacement drywall in pre-cut pieces about as big as a fist,, and ironically call them "drunk angry dad size.".. *I'm sad now*

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.

   Some people treat their body like a temple. I treat mine like a cookie jar.

   FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

   Normal people are weird.

   Don't shop when hungry. Don't date when horny. Don't update your status when drunk

   4 shots of 5 hour energy this morning, not only do I look like I have Parkinsons, but I can actually see sound waves resonating when people talk to me.

   Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and then a diet coke?

   Kindness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.