Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I pay with.

   I'm more pissed off than a mosquito in a room full of mannequins.

   There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

   Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own ass.

   The only thing more humiliating than taking a dump at your boyfriends house is asking him where the plunger is…

   Happy 237th birthday Marines!

   I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"

   So when are Yankee fans allowed to hate Red Sox fans again?

   I consider myself to be a "political atheist" because I don't believe anything politicians say.

   Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.

   Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'

   Justin Bieber goes to jail. Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest. Learns cellmate is dyslexic.

   I'm white but not "get up to go jogging at 3am before work" white.

   You know what? Some countries used to SCREEN applicants who were applying for citizenship, and wouldn't allow those who had even the SLIGHTEST ties to extremist groups ENTRY into their lands.

   The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

   It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!

   I hate when I get Drunk and Bid on Ebay.

   So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop, how cool is that for someone her age?

   I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else

   "Sorry I brought that up." - Bulimics