Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stopped drinking about you an hour ago.

   It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

   Music Teacher: “What is your favourite musical instrument?” Fat Kid: “The lunch bell.”

   I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

   All dyslexics rejoice! For today is your day! 11/11/11 yppaH

   I LOVE rumors! they tell me things about myself that I never even knew!

   If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.

   If I download a movie in Jamaica, am I a pirate of the Caribbean?

   Drinking wine alone is not lonely, it's romantic. Damn self, you got nice eyes ;)

   If you're going to be alive, you might as well be incredible.

   Technologically, I'm at that dangerous age. I'm old enough to mess everything up, and not young enough to fix it.

   Stacy's Mom-The Music video that lead an entire generation into masturbation.

   The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.

   I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.

   The only difference between try and triumph is a little 'umph'.

   So you hate Facebook? Thanks for sharing that with me on Facebook.

   I always mean what I say. Sometimes, I didn't mean to say it out loud.

   Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

   To best understand men, you need to grasp the following: 1. They think with their pen!s 2. They wanna fix everything 3. They wanna fix everything with their pen!s

   If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.