Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.

   Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like... "Dude, shouldn't you be hanging out with people your own age?"

   Screaming "Autobots, ROLL OUT" at someone in a wheelchair isn't funny. Everyone knows handicapped people are Decepticons................and my place in Hell is secured for the day.

   I'll be glad when the people on the funny side of the world wake up

   This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spay them.

   Some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

   Why do people lie when getting a gift by saying "Oh You didn't have to do that" HELLO! Thats the only reason they where invited!

   I always wanted to read other people's minds, well now there's facebook where everyone just thinks out loud. Thank you facebook, the future is here.

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.

   ... Seriously .... I really don't know when the giant UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people .... But one thing's for sure .... They ain't coming back for them!

   Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

   Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...

   I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. I just didn’t expect everyone around me to keep bowling.

   Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

   Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   People on House Hunters are always saying that they need room to entertain and guest bedrooms so family can visit. Actually I need a moat filled with gators.

   Drunk sayings = Sober thoughts