Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all your flaws, the one that allows you to like me, is my favorite.

   I like the sound you make when you shut up

   I like superheroes but I'd rather hang out with the villains.

   There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.

   What’s the difference between a Pick Pocketer and a Peeping Tom…..A Pick Pocketer snatches watches

   Most women don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.

   There's nothing worse than not getting the right amount of love from strangers on the internet.

   My relationship status just changed to sweatpants oreos and netflix!

   I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.

   We celebrate the 4th of July because citizens were armed.

   There's a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.

   Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.

   With all this stress eating, I may hit 270 before either of the candidates.

   Press 1 for English.... Did I move?

   I don't want to see a politician's tax returns. I want to see the the results of their IQ tests.

   Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

   At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breast, we were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees.

   Your tax refund probably taking long cuz all your kids got different last names and the IRS is confused.