Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do I really need a 3ft receipt for buying a coke and a pack of gum?

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called b*tches and hoes.

   The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.

   I'm not comfortable with the fact that there's a skeleton inside me.

   The people who wear Bluetooth headsets always look like the people least likely to ever receive phone calls.

   I'm getting sick of these p orn sites listing my videos as "amateur".

   Dont let your daughter wear makeup at 10, date at 12, wear provocative clothing at 14 and then wonder why she got pregnant at damn 16!!

   Why is that cotton candy talking? Grandma, that's Niki Minaj.

   Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to

   Hey Target, it's Mid October, calm down on the xmas stuff!-Santa

   Why are they called One Direction? Looks to me like they go both ways.

   Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.

   My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked. Uphill. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

   When a woman says she doesn't want a boyfriend what she really means is that she doesn't want you. Remember women are liars

   If Michael Douglas ever gets rectal cancer we're in for one hell of a story.

   You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL. Anyways, the baby's ok.

   We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!

   If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on

   New Yorkers could probably bail that water out a lot faster if they weren't limited to using 16 oz cups,,,, huh Bloomberg??

   My favorite Black Friday tradition is watching the day's Walmart tramplings on the evening news.