Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   It makes no sense to commit yourself in a relationship if you still expect to have single people's privileges.

   My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

   People who marry for money over love usually end up cheating for love over money!

   Non-psychotic people don't wear "Build Back Better" paraphernalia, they loot, burn and kill.

   Everyone's so busy judging who gay people can marry, and yet not ONE of you stopped me from marrying the wrong guy. Thanks a lot a$$holes.

   I think today I'll stalk random strangers and tag myself as one of the people in the background of their vacation pics...

   There is more money being spent on breast implants and Vi*gra today than on Alzheimer's research. By 2040, there should be a lot of old people with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

   People assume I'm smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Twix bar and they recognize my true genius.

   Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk

   Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.

   Wow, I have a lot of people named "Do Not Answer" in my phone...

   Stock tip: Buy Frito-Lay, Little Debbie and any other snack food stock... The people in Colorado and Washington State are going to be getting the munchies.

   I feel like if people wanted Clinton to come out and address every major event in the country, they probably should have elected her?

   Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.

   Why don't the post office get the Jehovah's Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   This Just In: Researches still working to discover how over 75,000 people were miraculosly cured in Colorado last month from glaucoma and nausea..

   Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

   not saying that "The Who" are old, but half of the people watching the superbowl last night were wondering "Who are those guys playing the CSI theme song?"