Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.

   Now that Valentines Day is now over, time to refocus on what's really important. Prepping your liver for St. Patrick's Day.

   I cannot wait to interrupt Kanye West's eulogy.

   If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

   Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.

   How to put on deodorant: 1. Apply deodorant. 2. Wait two seconds. 3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant. 4. Reapply deodorant.

   Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?

   I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.

   I have seen so many Smart cars this holiday weekend with out of state plates, I'm assuming there's a clown convention somewhere nearby.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks last year.. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse this year...

   These days I think it would be more shocking if Bert and Ernie had split.

   Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.

   The big movies right now in theaters are Robocop, Endless Love, and About Last Night. I feel like it's the end of the 80s all over again.

   Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.

   I am sorry I wasn't being completely honest when I said I was normal.

   There is a special place in hell for idiots who bring babies to the movie house.

   It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.

   I didn't know how badly we're losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.

   A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.

   That moment when the person you've loaned money to calls you to brag about the big bonus they received at work and is going on and on about how they plan on spending it and paying you back is not on the list