Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...

   I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.

   Tweet others the same way you want them to tweet you.

   You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn't fit anymore.

   Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.

   How's everyone holding up? It was crazy last night. I must have killed like fifteen zombies. But I still don't understand why they were all carrying bags of candy.

   French onion soup is just regular onion soup that doesn’t shave its armpits

   Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.

   Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   I love snow – People who never shovel

   Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

   A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   I wish my neighbor's dog would take the hint that my leg just wants to be friends.

   Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.

   When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.

   Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   for all those who answer "how's it goin?" with .."can't complain"...please review your FB status's

   My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.