Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

   Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.

   Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.

   Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times....

   They aren't looters....they are undocumented shoppers

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. I read that somewhere.

   I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to Starbucks, check-in there, take a picture with my coffee with Instagram, and add a caption of how good it was, while including two Twitter hashtags #Starbucks #GreatDay

   Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

   My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I'm done.

   Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.

   I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   Does a prostitute file pregnancy as a work-related accident?

   sweet old lady in front of me driving the lincoln, smoking with one hand and texting with the other, please stop hitting your brakes because I am gonna spill my beer

   I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

   Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...

   I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6.

   A lot of problems would disappear if people talked to each other more than talking about each other.

   Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.