Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working.

   I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class

   I just got an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince telling me that if I send him money, he could double it and send it back to me. So I e-mailed him back, "Kanye, is that you?"

   Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.

   Dear GoFundMe, please allow us to raise money to pay someone to punch Kanye square in the face.

   I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

   the good news is the doctor says I'm healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me....

   Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 7lbs.

   Dear bill collectors, I know I still owe you....but I have some GOOD NEWS!!! I typed "Amen" on a Facebook post, and in 48 hours, I will get a TON of money. So, when I get it, I will pay you.

   One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

   There are no warrants out for my arrest so we could go basically anywhere on a date.

   Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

   Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like.

   Costco Because married people deserve to go on dates too.

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

   Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, a wild trap door appears and prove me wrong.

   practicing my "I Love It" look when I get another tie from my kids.

   Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have.

   At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted?