Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.

   The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.

   I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.

   Woah there treadmill,,, I can't scroll posts, or reach the Burrito in the cupholder next to the ashtray at that speed.

   I'm starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.

   It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.

   Like most Northerners, as the weather warms,,, I worry about the structural integrity of my igloo.

   Researchers in Hawaii recently put webcams on the fins of sharks so they could get a firsthand view of what the sharks see. The first thing they saw: a shark eating the guy who strapped a webcam on its fin.

   Failure is not an option. It's standard equipment.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute

   Why can't my coworkers just play on their phones like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.

   I just want to be the reason you lower your standards.

   Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that.

   Man cannot live on bread alone. That's why we realized the same ingredients in bread can make beer too.

   She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we're taking it slow now.

   People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing

   Attention Walmart Shoppers ------- There is someone dressed appropriately in aisle 8

   Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club

   It's almost Valentines Day and I still don't know what to get myself yet.

   Congrats again to Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.