Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t sleep and just wanna eat all night. I think I have insom-nom-nom-nomnia.

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my very old prom dress.

   As the weekend approaches remember this, " A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure. ”

   I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

   One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

   My wife and I have been married for quite some time. Our secret is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

   If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them. I need to know.

   I accidentally took my dogs meds this morning...TELL ME I'M A GOOD BOY ... I'M A GOOD BOY RIGHT ? WANNA SCRATCH MY BUTT ? CAN I SMELL YOURS ?

   Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

   I haven’t been this excited about a new year since last year.

   I wish I had enough money to discover that it doesn't actually make me happy.

   Start every phone call with "Hey, my phone is about to die...". That way you can hang up on tem any time.

   Please stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

   Life is not fair. But it's not fair for everybody. So really it IS fair.

   Everybody hates a cliffhanger because of the

   The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but you should always check.

   The worst marketing blunder in history was not putting cassette decks in cell phones.

   it’s 2025. why do we not have caffeinated mashed potatoes yet?

   Inside every female body builder, is a man wanting to get out.

   Showing too much cleavage makes you look like an ass.