Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   You know what really burns my ass? The California wildfires.

   The reason why I talk in my sleep is because my wife doesn't give me a chance when I'm awake.

   I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards. He said not now.

   I always Hi-Five myself. Whenever I see a commercial that doesn't have a jiga-boo in it.

   Every single time he miss steps, says something stupid, does something stupid, acts ridiculous or embarrasses himself? We're going to trash him here. Him and his ghoulish wife and creepy as F kids.

   What I've learned from many years of driving: People who drive faster than me are obnoxious and people who drive slower than me are stupid.

   The Bible is like a Boob Job. The book is real and the boobs are real. It's the stuff inside that's fake.

   I read somewhere that being sarcastic on a daily basis can add up to three years to your life. If that's true, I'm gonna live forever.

   IMAGINE - AN ENTIRE COUNTRY SO IGNORANT THAT THE PEOPLE WILFULLY GIVE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN ORDER TO ELECT RICH CRIMINALS TO RULE OVER THEIR LIVES AND STEAL THEIR MONEY, BUT BELIEVE THEY ARE FREE. Lmfao

   As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking. As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

   Need Help with this one!! If I bought a balloon 5 years ago for $1, how much could I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

   Eggs are so expensive that I am eating steak, lobster, and caviar for breakfast now.

   My body knows how old I am, but my mind refuses to believe it.

   Whoever came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

   I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I should be back home later tonight.

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.