Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dr says to her 80 year old hard of hearing female patient You look very weak & exhausted are you having 3 meals 3 times a day as advised? 80 year old Female replies I thought you said 3 males.

   Some one wrote on the back of my neighbors work van, ' Wish my wife was this dirty'.... so under it I wrote ' She and her boyfriend is when you are at work

   Do I need to watch the first two seasons of COVID to understand Season 3?

   Donald’s New Year countdown: 10, 9, 8… wait, is Greenland for sale yet?

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.....When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up!

   I wasa mask while holding an elevator door for an elderly person. He shook his head (from 20 feet away) violently and said, "I wouldn't get in an elevator with another person even if you paid me!" I'd had it with these rude sheep. I took off my m

   Remember when someone had posted "who cares if we don't get to see polars Bears, cuz we didn't get to see dinosaurs?" I guess mother natures cares with this winter blast!

   It's so cold in Manhattan even Iggy is freezing.

   first day of spring break and I have f all to do

   Dear Federal Government gun buyback program : I have performed a background check on you , and Based on your history of violence and atrocities , I cannot sell you a gun.

   I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

   Dear scammers, please stop flirting with all the people on their Facebook pages. We are all beautiful and charming and we do not want to be your friend. You are annoying!

   I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand.

   “Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

   Fuel prices are so high under the Biden administration, he is now suggesting we fart on our wallets for gas money.

   You might say I am a Social Influencer. Well, OK. I'm a bad influence but still....

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   I went to see Oppenheimer, but the line was really long and I was getting a little hungry, so I went to the Barbie queue.

   Friends come and go, but pizza is forever.

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up. works everytime.