Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.

   Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

   Don't expect me to stop if you break down on the road. I'm sure that you were warned about your car's warranty expiring.

   Just got back from a Rocky Mountain Oyster Fest in Colorado. It was Nuts!

   Lotto Max is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   I no longer want to go through things that don't kill me but make me stronger.

   Yes, I didn't get the halftime show. I also didn't attend an F-rated school, I'm not part of the 13% that commits 60% of violent crimes, and I know who to send the Father's Day card to on Father's Day.

   The universe noticed a big pile of used, dirty rags in its laundry room. Instead of washing them, it put them on social media as narcissistic women.

   I just saw a guy with a "Support Dyslexia" bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   It amazing how much people LeBron James has triggered for his common sense views. I wish I had his talents.

   Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

   I bet there is just a lot of awkward silence after a mime orgy.

   If an old dude ever gives you advice while peeling an apple with a pocket knife and eating pieces right off the blade, you should probably take it.

   It was so hot in our apartment last night, to cool off I slept on my air hockey table."

   Just imagine how many lives have been saved by telemarketers calling the random number of a terrorist's cell phone detonated explosive device. "Hello, I'm calling about your cars extended". . . KABOOM!

   Hurricane Idalia is slowly heading north at 8 mph. Kinda like a person of color driving in the left lane on I-95.

   Marriage tip: Always keep your wife as the background picture on your phone. That way if you need some encouragement, you can look at her photo and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to her, I can get through anything.

   I bought a watch at a secondhand store and it's real slow. I played cards with my buddies later that evening and the second hand lost a second every second hand.

   Sons Teacher on zoom: On December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to form the Christmas star. Me in background: pssst....son ask her where Uranus will be? Son: Teacher where will Uranus be? Teacher: Well it will be over here. [Points to map] Son: Uranu

   This is the only post not stolen from funny tweeter