Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   WELP, ANOTHER DAY I DIDN’T USE a²+b²=c²

   "i refuse to get a microchip implanted in me by means of a vaccine needle" okay? And? thats like saying "i refuse to swallow motor oil by means of drinking milk"

   Kamala Harris quote: "Who doesn't love a yellow school bus? Can you raise your hand if you love a yellow school bus? Many of us went to school on a yellow school bus, right? I remember them now, all yellow and everything."

   Do any of you - when you're in bed at night - pluck out your pubes and hold them up to the phone light then toss them on the floor?

   Ever have Chef Boyardee Ravioli and a can of corn for dinner?

   coworker suggested I drink fewer than six energy drinks so I tossed him through the break room like a discus

   Marriage is very simple. The husband is king of the house and the wife obeys his every command.

   Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

   New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years.

   I find it suspicious that the un-vaccinated are now getting the worst of the virus. Just joking, I'm not that stupid to think it's suspicious.

   California is on fire. Good.

   I hate when a TV chef says you can easily make this from stuff in your pantry. I'm still waiting for them to show me how to make something out of ramen noodles, potato chips, and a half eaten bag of Oreos.

   You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.

   June was once Dairy Month, it's now Fairy Month.

   The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

   PRIDE: If your identity is solely tethered to your sexual preference and the need to crow about it, you have bigger issues than which hole you like.

   There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

   Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes? This is why I stay up at nights.

   I'm tired of all these calls from SPAMAZON and SCAMAZON telling me someone placed a large order using my AMAZON account that I don't even have...

   It's kinda weird realizing that we are the last generation on this earth to know what life was like before social media.