Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And in Technology news, even though 2022 was expected, Apple has announced the coming year will only be 2021s.

   The Dow Jones is way down. Yay, I'm so happy!

   Kevin Spacy is innocent. He was framed by Kaiser Soze.

   If tomatoes are considered fruits, isn’t ketchup a smoothie?

   Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication Me: Why am I not surprised Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

   Another Monday. Aw, man. I don't know if I can do this. (Just practicing.)

   Better and more accurate than any dating site: Ask her if she's on Will Smith or Chris Rock's side. If she says Will Smith, run away as fast as you can.

   there hasnt been a status with more upvotes then downvotes since 8-18 aka 75 days ago

   It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas. It was the power bill, the gas bill, the water bill, the phone bill, rent, insurance, car payment, not to mention grocery prices.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

   Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.

   If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

   A leopard can drag something half its weight up a tree. A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

   I don't know how to act my age, I've never been this old before.

   It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

   Why is our party trying to enforce child marriages? I'm all in for owning the other side, but not like this.

   Last year's most expensive vehicle to operate was the Apollo Lunar Roving Vehicle. This year it is the Grocery Cart.

   ‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

   does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to crap themselves every single day of a trip?

   If Johnny Depp delivered his movie lines with the same speed at which he's testifying during his defamation trial, his films would be 6 hours long.