Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever start a band, I'm going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you're listening to.

   By the time I have a kid everyone else’s kids gon be 15😭

   Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

   Did anyone ever consider Maybe the Day doesn't like being Seized ?

   I really admire China at this years olympics. They use the same athlete for every event!!

   Every day around midnight, I'm shocked to find out it's only 6pm

   Want to talk trash? Recycle.

   Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

   Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

   Just saw a chick sitting on the tip of a fire hydrant. That image gave me a whole new meaning of W.A.P!

   She had a eye on one tiddy, and a pair of lips on the other tiddy. An' I'm hopin' I ain't got to kiss nothin'.

   If I get one more poke, I'm going to need some plumber's putty.

   As a double leg amputee I have to keep positive . I may have lost both legs , but l was only "de-feeted "

   The Chicken is offended that even after all the jokes, the crossing on the road is still named after a Zebra

   Open the fridge and there's only one beer left. "Me thinking............who's been drinking my beer's! " Oh never mind......that would be me....dang it!

   Women drivers be like Did I just run over someone?

   If you think its hard to kiss at night the lips that chewed your ass all day, you must be Gay or Married.

   People leave, so I keep their voodoo dolls.

   Ken Ham: Purple Monkey Dishwasher.

   My Facebook movie got a X rating...apparently Face Book is way more into my X then ME!