Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My doctor needed a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering.

   I'm going to adopt a dog and call him Peeve. He'll be my pet, Peeve.

   Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

   I’ve got to think of a way to get off this planet by tomorrow

   Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   I cheated on my husband twice, now I want to lecture you about family values.

   I was watching Family Feud. I can't believe they've found that many black families with a dad.

   I should be ashamed of my behaviour. Just to be clear, I should be, but I'm not.

   Cosby gets out of prison and onto a bus. Next to a long rock wall he finds a letter. He goes to Mexico where he finds Epstein working on a boat.

   Please Ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I'm so sick of hearing about how high gas prices are, think of something else to cry & make a meme of.

   Protestants. Some man didn't like God's version of Christianity (Catholicism), so they decided to fix what God got wrong.

   Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.

   420, remember to leave out milk and cookies for Willie Nelson and Snoop Dog..

   Pessimism is just another word for pattern recognition.

   BREAKING NEWS: Colts defeated the Raider’s last Sunday in Las Vegas but hold all tickets as Nevada has called for a recount of the score so game won’t be official for a couple weeks or so!

   My generation grew up looking for frogs and stuff. Your generation grew up looking for a WiFi signal. We are not the same.

   My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness

   A very big shout out to all those people who wrote the answers in our textbooks, when we were in school.