Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The 5 O'clock news. AKA let's see what the ηiqqers did now.

   An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

   Today is National Lobster day and I guess that makes it a good day to be a bit shellfish.

   ab/2k[zhi6op7/vb Sorry, there was a spider on the keyboard, but it's dead now. Wait, gzfew!1;p9nmkxpxq Okay, now it's dead.

   I wonder what the bees inside Wilma Flintstone's vibrator talked about: "Another fight with Fred? Looks like we're working overtime again."

   The Three Stages of Life: Wanting stuff. Accumulating stuff. Getting rid of stuff.

   If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

   I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

   I messaged a woman that I was madly in love with her. Then I rubbed one out. Now I kinda just like her.

   "?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA" - reverse psychology

   I'm confused. Does baby oil come from babies or go in babies?

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

   My husband waited until this morning to tell me our hotel room tonight is adjoining his parents. He knew all week. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces Sunday morning- cause I’m still gonna be loud.

   He's Trump, not Moses. He can't part waters. Blaming him for the Texas flooding is complete nonsense.

   Dear Anti-Vaxxer Imbeciles, Thank you for putting the rest of us at risk because you're too obtuse to look past ridiculous conspiracy theories

   Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

   Forgive and forget? What? Do I look like Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it!

   The only person I wanna chat with is my dog.

   Mowing your lawn on edibles and having those flying grasshoppers coming at you like kamikaze pilots every 2 feet is something.