Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my girl dance with another guy she flirting with death

   Everyone, get your time in the gym now before the end of the yr.. it gets packed for 2 months from those "New yr, New me" ppl... then they give up after 2 months

   Parents these days are worried about just 2 things:. 1.- What Sons download their 2.- What upload their Daughters.

   Cougars talk a good game until you get them in bed and it's all "Don't push my legs back too far." OK Paulette.

   what's everyone's favorite gas price? mine is $2.29

   My relationship with my cat is like that of a married couple. Basically we fight a lot and never have sex.

   I'm adopting a healthier lifestyle, so today I parked and went inside to get donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

   It's funny when a Athiest needs a prayer they will ask for one. But when a Christian asks for one, they will be the first to make fun.

   Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

   You would think Republicans would want to avoid the #47, #47Traitors

   If you think your life can't get any worse, just remember this. you could be Mike Tyson in a Chinese restaurant trying to order the Sweet and Sour Shrimp.

   Some of yall dressing y’all kids for red ribbon week then smoking a blunt after they go to school.

   I don't know why I ever joined Facebook, I mean like seriously, this is the worst dating website ever!

   Crustard: The dried mustard on the cap.

   This isn't quite what I wanted to be when I grew up, but it was the best I could do on such short notice

   Imagine that. Flag Day just happens to be in the middle of Fagg Month.

   It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

   Guys, your wife works hard. Would it be too much trouble to get out the vacuum cleaner and plug it in so it will be ready for her when she gets home from work?

   The real power of a man… Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

   A School held a contest for 6th grade kids. the theme of the contest was, 'The Nicest Thing My Father Did For Me'.... The Winning kid said, "not wearing a condom...